literature

Spaceman

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White lights pierced my eyes as I came around.  I tried to blink open my eyes but the pain made it harder.  The entire room around me was white, clean and shiny, and fluorescent light tubes embedded in the ceiling glared down on me.

I tried to sit up but my body felt numb, so numb that I couldn’t feel the tubes in my arm.  It was only when I’d summoned enough strength to turn my head to investigate my surroundings that I noticed them, thin, red from my blood and piercing my arms.

My memories were swirling around in my head but starting to come together, and I started to remember why I was there.  I’d been here before, it seemed that I wasn’t allowed to leave my life behind, I was always saved.  I’d been in this position far too many times now, numb body, tubes in my arms making me feel squeamish.  Maybe there was something about my life that was worth saving me for.

I was still tired, the most tired I’d ever been in my life; my eyelids were heavy and finally fell closed.  I drifted into a dream state, floating on air, dancing in the clouds, before loud voices rang in my ears making me plummet back to reality.  Lights flashed before my eyes before I opened them to a circle of masked faces surrounding me.

I couldn’t go through this anymore.

I started to think that maybe my life wasn’t so bad, that maybe it was worth me sticking around, but the voices in my head were driving me mad.  Half agreeing with me, half going against me, all making me want to split my head in two.  I wanted to ignore them, but your mind is the hardest thing to ignore.

It took a while, but they finally discharged me.  Once they were happy that I was on enough to drugs to stop the voices in my head telling me to top myself again and that I’d spent enough time staring at four bleached white walls to not want to go back there again, they let me home.

I was excited to get back, a fresh new start, enjoying my life, being thankful for each day.  It lasted about a week, peace and quiet, freedom, enjoyment of a new life, but then the voices in my head returned.  I couldn’t understand, I took every pill every day; the bulging blister pack was so big I could never miss it.

At first they came just at night, filled my head with negativity, told me to go to sleep and never wake up.  It was still easy to lie to the specialist when she came to check on me, but they were getting stronger every day.  They made my life feel worthless, probing me to take more than my day’s worth of pills.

It was harder to hide it from the specialist.  She eyed me suspiciously as I twitched and tried to stutter out the words to tell her I was fine, before I finally folded.  She let me stay at home, but arranged for stronger meds and more regular visits.  I was willing to take whatever she offered me; I couldn’t end up back in the hospital.

I tried to carry on, but as always, the only way to escape the voices in my mind was to end my life.  Once again I tried, overdosing, and once again as I drifted into sub-consciousness, I got the feeling that it hadn’t worked.

White lights pierced my eyes as I came around.  I tried to blink open my eyes but the pain made it harder.  The entire room around me was white, clean and shiny, and fluorescent light tubes embedded in the ceiling glared down on me.

My mind was blank.  I had no idea where I was or how I’d got there.  There were tubes in my arms full of deep red blood and my head felt light.  There was a woman stood at the door, hiding in the tiny shadows.  She stepped forward, pills and a glass of water in her hand.  She was smiley, too happy as she sat down in the chair next to me.

‘’Do you remember what happened?’’ she asked me as I swallowed the pills.  I started to shake my head, before everything came crashing back to me.  Swirling memories came thundering into my head and I gasped in horror.

I’d been here before, I’d tried to kill myself, many times, and I’d tried again.  How much did I hate my life?  Then I remembered, it wasn’t just me, those voices... they’d convinced me that everybody else had hated my life.

I started trembling and trying to explain, she smiled.  My head started to
feel light again, white spots appeared before my eyes and there was a whining in my ears.

‘’Don’t worry, it’s all in your mind,’’ she soothed as my head fell back on the pillow and my eyes slammed shut.
Art trade with :iconsweeperrosalie: !!

This time it's based on Spaceman by The Killers, as if you couldn't guess xD

I was doing it a few sentences a night because I didn't want it to be terrible, but I wrote over half of it in one night. I like disagreeing with myself xD

Emily's: [link] It's so awesome :D

[link]
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Comments3
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SweeperRosalie's avatar
Thats amazing!!!
Wow. I love the visions you portray. and how at the end the nurce says 'its all in your mind' wow
This is SO awsome. well done!!!!!!!
I'll upload mine now.